I HATE MONEY!
I hate dealing with it.
I hate NEVER having it.
I hate hearing about it.
I hate it.
I am tired of it ruling my world, the lack of it that is...
I totally get why people steal, and turn to, uh, "alternative" incomes. The deep seething desparation of constantly having your life ruled by bills, and life and bullshit life likes to throw at you that you couldn't have forseen.
I am tired of doing the right thing, staying home with my kids, my husband risking his life every time he goes to work, giving tithe, and it gets us NOWHERE!
My world has been consumed by money since I was in college. I never had any. I moved into my own apartment and got a job. I ended up hiding out from my landlord and eating Jello, always with a pit in my stomach wondering how I was going to eat the next day.
That damned pit in my stomach! It is constant now. I can't get rid of it. Everything is always so freakin tense! Happiness and laughter can be dashed in a matter of seconds at the mention of money. No amount of planning or whatever else we do to try and be "comfortable" is ever enough. Well I have had enough! I am so sick of ALWAYS trying to think of ways to make our life better, only to make it worse. I HATE THIS!
Though when I start thinking about things and how hopeless it seems, I have this feeling of peace come over me. What is it? I mean, really? Is it the Holy Spirit telling me it's going to be alright because He's got it in His hands? Or is it my incredible sense of denial, and that obnoxious optimism that is always getting me into trouble by thinking that there is some retarded useless thing I can do to make more money so that money isn't the main topic of our lives!
I want to be the hero! I want to say, "let's get the hell out of here for awhile, MY TREAT!" Just once, I want to know that no matter what comes up, I can handle it, pay for it, deal with it myself.
Trust God you say? Well I've done that in the past, and I sunk! I failed! I fell on my face! He let me! And it didn't matter that I'd prayed and prayed and begged and pleaded, and worked and tried...I still can't win!
He let my Daddy die you know. He took my Daddy from me. My biggest fear. And if He will do that to me, what else will He do? If He wouldn't answer that prayer, what makes me think He will answer any?
Yet, there it is, that annoying sense of peace, that reassuring, blind optimism....
Maybe it is just masked stupidity.
I'm REALLY ready for a new topic of conversation around here. Why can't I have that?
I hate NEVER having it.
I hate hearing about it.
I hate it.
I am tired of it ruling my world, the lack of it that is...
I totally get why people steal, and turn to, uh, "alternative" incomes. The deep seething desparation of constantly having your life ruled by bills, and life and bullshit life likes to throw at you that you couldn't have forseen.
I am tired of doing the right thing, staying home with my kids, my husband risking his life every time he goes to work, giving tithe, and it gets us NOWHERE!
My world has been consumed by money since I was in college. I never had any. I moved into my own apartment and got a job. I ended up hiding out from my landlord and eating Jello, always with a pit in my stomach wondering how I was going to eat the next day.
That damned pit in my stomach! It is constant now. I can't get rid of it. Everything is always so freakin tense! Happiness and laughter can be dashed in a matter of seconds at the mention of money. No amount of planning or whatever else we do to try and be "comfortable" is ever enough. Well I have had enough! I am so sick of ALWAYS trying to think of ways to make our life better, only to make it worse. I HATE THIS!
Though when I start thinking about things and how hopeless it seems, I have this feeling of peace come over me. What is it? I mean, really? Is it the Holy Spirit telling me it's going to be alright because He's got it in His hands? Or is it my incredible sense of denial, and that obnoxious optimism that is always getting me into trouble by thinking that there is some retarded useless thing I can do to make more money so that money isn't the main topic of our lives!
I want to be the hero! I want to say, "let's get the hell out of here for awhile, MY TREAT!" Just once, I want to know that no matter what comes up, I can handle it, pay for it, deal with it myself.
Trust God you say? Well I've done that in the past, and I sunk! I failed! I fell on my face! He let me! And it didn't matter that I'd prayed and prayed and begged and pleaded, and worked and tried...I still can't win!
He let my Daddy die you know. He took my Daddy from me. My biggest fear. And if He will do that to me, what else will He do? If He wouldn't answer that prayer, what makes me think He will answer any?
Yet, there it is, that annoying sense of peace, that reassuring, blind optimism....
Maybe it is just masked stupidity.
I'm REALLY ready for a new topic of conversation around here. Why can't I have that?
posted by yeshua'smags at Sunday, May 28, 2006
1 Comments:
I am sorry to hear your money struggles. I have often had the same. I slide back and forth between peace which I know is from God and anxiety and wanting more control which are not from God. There is much more that could be said about your relationship with God and your Dad and yourself but this comment space is not appropriate for that. I am not sure if you even check this blog anymore to retrieve comments.
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